There are all sorts of people in the world, and most of us have either hosted others or been hosted ourselves at various stages of our lives.
I am incredibly thankful that my parents were the kind of people whose doors were always open. I can look back on most holidays and picture random people who have joined us at the table. Rooms in our house were often full - students who needed housing for a bit, abused women who need a safe place 'til they figured out what to do, friends who were stopping through, family immigrating from Asia trying to get established, kids sleeping under the piano because the couches and beds were all taken. I've always wanted my own home to be a place where anyone can show up on the doorstep at any time, day or night, and they would be greeted by a quick hug into a safe space. A simple place, most guaranteed, but a place nonetheless.
Over the past few years I've also found myself hosted by various people, many times strangers who opened their doors to us simply because we worked with an organization whose mission they wanted to support. This past weekend, we stayed for two nights in just such a home and I got to thinking about the lessons that I've learned from being hosted and how I can both learn from and emulate these environments.
So here are a few comments about the first moments of hospitality - from the request to threshold crossing - for the hosters among us:
1. Asking a person to host you is often a daunting task. There are of course those who take advantage of others hospitality, but for many "cold-calling" and asking for a place to stay is tantamount to begging for help. It is humbling, for sure, but can also be humiliating depending on who is hosting. Please don't make a person "prove" that they deserve a place in your house. If you don't feel comfortable, just say no. Undergoing a 10 minute interview only to hear "we'll see how it goes" is just not encouraging. By all means, get to know them, but if your questions sound like something you got from a job interview, maybe think of some new questions.
2. Do treat a request for a place as just a request and something you can say no to. It's not a demand so you don't need to come up with lame excuses for why you can't host. Simply say it won't work for you at this time. People looking for a place totally understand and don't want to make you feel guilty for not being able to host. If you communicate guilt, the person asking will feel like they need to assuage that guilt which is quite exhausting if repeated with dozens of people who do the same thing.
3. If you can't host but want to help, don't give a list of names and numbers of people you know to the person asking for a place to stay. Instead, why don't you call these people that you know yourself and see if it can work out? This allows those people to say no to a person they trust and cuts down significantly on the explanation of the person asking for help. And, most especially, do not give your pastor's name and number to call...do you know how many calls these people get a week from people they don't know?! If you think they can help, be the ambassador and call them yourself.
4. Most people have expectations of guests who enter their home. This is perfectly normal and to be expected. The important thing is to communicate that clearly before they arrive. Do you want to eat together or separately? Do you have lots of events planned where they'll be home alone? If you are having guests over, where to you want the hosted person to be - In their room? Involved in the conversation? Are there food allergies in the house where peanut butter shouldn't be whipped out of a bag? Where do you want them to park when they arrive? Is there a limit to how many days they can stay before trying your patience? Communicate, communicate, communicate. This allows the person being hosted to back out if the expectations don't fit their needs and minimizes the chance for misunderstanding later. Don't feel like you are being picky - the worst for a person being hosted is finding out that there were a lot of uncommunicated expectations that they now need to perform to.
5. My favorite hosts, by far, have been the ones who verbally affirm that they are glad that I am there. Then they invite me into their kitchen or living room, hand me a hot drink (hot cups are proven, if held for a few moments, to improve a person's mood), chat for a few minutes, show me my room, hand me towels, give me the wi-fi code, give me a house tour, open the kitchen cupboards to show me where the glasses are for water, ask me if I need to do laundry and show me where the laundry machines are and to help myself to their soap, and then tell me to make myself at home and that they don't mind if I hang out in the living room, at the kitchen table, or my room and just to holler if I need anything. Sigh. Heaven in a host.
I think most of it can be summed up in the following quote:
Was
it Stephen Covey who said to seek first to understand and then to be
understood? If you are hosting, find out what has been going on for the
person walking into your house the past few weeks and in the weeks to
come and, with a little imagination to fill in the blanks, you'll be
surprised how much easier it is to make a gracious place for them to
rest. And isn't that what we are all looking for in a home? Just a safe place to rest.
My husband and I have been traveling a lot since the beginning of our marriage. So much that whenever we walk into a new room in a hotel or house, we look at each other and say "Welcome home". For one night at least, your house is their home. And just so you all know: Mi casa es su casa. (At least it will be as soon as we have one.)
Over the past few years I've also found myself hosted by various people, many times strangers who opened their doors to us simply because we worked with an organization whose mission they wanted to support. This past weekend, we stayed for two nights in just such a home and I got to thinking about the lessons that I've learned from being hosted and how I can both learn from and emulate these environments.
So here are a few comments about the first moments of hospitality - from the request to threshold crossing - for the hosters among us:
1. Asking a person to host you is often a daunting task. There are of course those who take advantage of others hospitality, but for many "cold-calling" and asking for a place to stay is tantamount to begging for help. It is humbling, for sure, but can also be humiliating depending on who is hosting. Please don't make a person "prove" that they deserve a place in your house. If you don't feel comfortable, just say no. Undergoing a 10 minute interview only to hear "we'll see how it goes" is just not encouraging. By all means, get to know them, but if your questions sound like something you got from a job interview, maybe think of some new questions.
2. Do treat a request for a place as just a request and something you can say no to. It's not a demand so you don't need to come up with lame excuses for why you can't host. Simply say it won't work for you at this time. People looking for a place totally understand and don't want to make you feel guilty for not being able to host. If you communicate guilt, the person asking will feel like they need to assuage that guilt which is quite exhausting if repeated with dozens of people who do the same thing.
3. If you can't host but want to help, don't give a list of names and numbers of people you know to the person asking for a place to stay. Instead, why don't you call these people that you know yourself and see if it can work out? This allows those people to say no to a person they trust and cuts down significantly on the explanation of the person asking for help. And, most especially, do not give your pastor's name and number to call...do you know how many calls these people get a week from people they don't know?! If you think they can help, be the ambassador and call them yourself.
4. Most people have expectations of guests who enter their home. This is perfectly normal and to be expected. The important thing is to communicate that clearly before they arrive. Do you want to eat together or separately? Do you have lots of events planned where they'll be home alone? If you are having guests over, where to you want the hosted person to be - In their room? Involved in the conversation? Are there food allergies in the house where peanut butter shouldn't be whipped out of a bag? Where do you want them to park when they arrive? Is there a limit to how many days they can stay before trying your patience? Communicate, communicate, communicate. This allows the person being hosted to back out if the expectations don't fit their needs and minimizes the chance for misunderstanding later. Don't feel like you are being picky - the worst for a person being hosted is finding out that there were a lot of uncommunicated expectations that they now need to perform to.
5. My favorite hosts, by far, have been the ones who verbally affirm that they are glad that I am there. Then they invite me into their kitchen or living room, hand me a hot drink (hot cups are proven, if held for a few moments, to improve a person's mood), chat for a few minutes, show me my room, hand me towels, give me the wi-fi code, give me a house tour, open the kitchen cupboards to show me where the glasses are for water, ask me if I need to do laundry and show me where the laundry machines are and to help myself to their soap, and then tell me to make myself at home and that they don't mind if I hang out in the living room, at the kitchen table, or my room and just to holler if I need anything. Sigh. Heaven in a host.
I think most of it can be summed up in the following quote:
"There is no hospitality like understanding." - Vonna Banta
My husband and I have been traveling a lot since the beginning of our marriage. So much that whenever we walk into a new room in a hotel or house, we look at each other and say "Welcome home". For one night at least, your house is their home. And just so you all know: Mi casa es su casa. (At least it will be as soon as we have one.)
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